


For someone to hear your thoughts

by jackshortie



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Assassination, Death, Fainting, Gore, Heavy gore, Hunter x Hunter 1999, Killugon - Freeform, Light Angst, Loneliness, Murder, Nausea, Parallels, Parental Issues, Zoldyck Family - Freeform, takes place before hxh itself
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:21:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29267154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jackshortie/pseuds/jackshortie
Summary: This takes place in the winter of 1997, so a little more than two years before the start of hunter x hunter itself. Gon and Killua both grew up in lonely spaces without people to talk with about their feelings outside their family. This causes both sides to have different ways to cope.
Relationships: Ging Freecs & Mito Freecs, Gon Freecs & Mito Freecs, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Illumi Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck
Kudos: 3





	1. A cold glare

**Author's Note:**

> please be aware that this is a multiple chapter work! i will work on the new chapter as soon as possible but please be patient :)

It was the rising sun emerging from the horizon that shone on Gon's eyes in the morning. He was an early bird, with his internal clock connected to the cycle of the sun and the moon. He opened his eyes and sat up straight to stare out of his window, right next to his bed. His mouth curled up into a smile directed to the world, hoping the world would smile right back at him. He turned back and stared down at his thick blanket. His hands were paler than usual and the air was colder and denser as well. The blanket fell off his bed and he dashed down the stairs in high tempo, his footsteps making quite a lot of noise and reaching the last few steps he skipped the final two to land with a loud thump on the ground floor.  
Even though the sun was shining bright, he could tell it had frozen all night. Meaning the lake, about five minutes from the small house in the mountains, could be frozen. It hardly ever froze on Whale Island, let alone snow. Never in his life had Gon seen snow, so he was already excited enough for the lake to have an icy layer. This meant he could slide over it, turn, fall and get up. Gon always had to spend his energy on climbing, running and falling, but sliding over ice was so rare that it was also a bit more special. It was one of those things where you had to grab your chance before it would disappear and you would miss your chance, not knowing if there will be a new one.

This drove Gon's excitement to the point he didn't even realise he was passing Mito, who was sitting on the couch reading a small pile of papers. He grabbed a bowl and cereal, quickly pouring in the ingredients, even spilling some milk but covering it up by wiping it with the sleeve of his pyjamas. "What's the hurry?" Mito finally spoke, folding the papers and stuffing it in her pocket, as if she was hiding something. However, Gon didn't even have the time to notice as he chugged down the bowl of cereal. "Ife." He said, barely audible as his mouth and cheeks were filled with fruit loops. "What?" Mito laughed. Normally she could understand Gon's cryptic words while he was eating but this one she could not decipher.   
Gon swallowed deeply before repeating, making sure she could understand him this time. "Ice, the lake is probably frozen." After saying that he took the final bites and put the bowl in the sink. Mito couldn’t even respond as Gon was already halfway up the stairs again. Sprinting to the bathroom and brushing his teeth while brushing his hair a little. Gon’s hair was thick and would stand up on its own, however, the hair would go all ways if he didn’t brush it at least a little to keep it in place.   
Soon enough he was running up the second set of stairs to the attic where his room was. He opened his wardrobe and crouched down to the bottom shelf, where a closed box was placed. Wrapping his hands around the corners, he used his strength to pull the box off the shelf. It was heavy and even Gon had struggles. With a loud noise it landed on the hardwood floor. “Everything going alright up there, Gon?” Mito yelled from downstairs, probably concerned about the sounds. “Yeah!” He yelled as he opened the box and threw the contents out. Inside were warm clothes, especially made for cold weather like this. He took out a set of long, dark green cargo pants, a jacket with an inside made of fur and a set of boots with a sole that was completely smooth, making them extra slippery.   
After putting the outfit on, he ran downstairs, almost slipping because of the shoes. Understandable, since it was meant for sliding. “Bye, aunt Mito!” He yelled, already opening the front door and waving, though not even looking at her. “Be careful!” She said as a final warning, but the door was already closed before he could even listen to her. Making sure he was out of sight, she took the papers out of her pocket again. They were letters, meant to be sent to Ging. She had sent them out years ago, but none of them reached him, so she received them back. Eight letters, one letter for every birthday of Gon starting from his third birthday. 

“May 5th, 1990; Gon turned three, he is a real sweetheart and getting more used to me, but I can tell that he misses you...” “May 5th 1991; Gon turned four. Ging, he keeps asking about you, please, visit him for once...” “May 5th, 1992; I can’t do this alone, what should I tell him about his mom?...” “May 5th, 1993-”

All the way to May 5th, 1997. Gon’s tenth birthday was the last letter. His eleventh birthday was still a while away, but Mito’s doubts about if she should write a new letter had already started popping up. Two days ago someone from the postal office came to the front door, standing on the porch with eight envelopes in their hand, to bring all of the letters she had written back, stating that none of the twelve letters could be reached to Ging, as he was nowhere to be found. Disappointedly she accepted them, and this morning she was reading them. after all, it had been more than ten years since she wrote the first one, so she could barely remember what she had written in the first place. It made her head hurt seeing how hopeful and confident she was in Ging’s return, watching that hope slowly die as the letters got more recent.   
Before she could stain it with her tears she quickly put the letters away. Letting out a sigh while leaning back and hanging her head over the back of the couch, staring at the ceiling. 

In the meantime Gon was running swiftly, climbing up the hill, towards the sun. Once he’d reached the top, he would be looking down on the lake. “Almost there.” He puffed as he noticed his legs feeling heavier and his muscles getting tired. The hill was pretty steep and it took him a lot of stamina to keep going. He decided to go on all fours for the last part so that he would have more grip grabbing the grass as extra support. With only a meter or two left, he reached out for the top. Finally getting there, he got up and accidentally looked straight into the sun, quickly squinting his eyes as used his arm to block the sun a little. Looking down he saw the lake reflecting the rays of sun through the icy layer that had appeared over the water that must have spread over hectares. So yes, the lake was indeed frozen, just as he predicted, and looking from here it was at least a few decimeters thick. It was safe enough to get onto the ice.  
“Alright!” He cheered and he continued running to the lake, going downhill again. By not putting up any resistance to gravity, he was almost making himself lose his balance. About halfway down the hill was so steep that Gon’s feet started sliding down, so to improvise on this he took a stance that was similar to a skateboarding stance, letting himself slide down the hill. It took him a lot of effort to keep his balance, so at the end, he tripped and fell flat on his face at the foot of the hill. It hurt a lot and he definitely got a scratch or bruise here and there but he didn’t care. He was there. In front of the frozen lake. 

Cautiously, though not hesitant, he tapped the ice with his feet, to feel if it was really safe to get onto it. As there was no response he stepped on it with one foot while the other was still at the edge. Everything was still going well, so at last he let his other foot enter the ice as well. There he was, standing on a frozen lake, with no one within eyesight. Of course, he had loved to stand here with a friend, but there was no one on Whale Island he could think of that would have wanted to join. In the end, Gon was okay with it. He didn’t know any better, and besides, the only way to be truly yourself was to not be under pressure of others expectations. Therefore Gon started running to the middle of the lake, or more, sliding. The shoes did their work as he could barely stand still since the wind will always blow him in a direction. He started trying to make a pirouette on the ice, but slipped and fell again. He chuckled and giggled while trying to get up, repeatedly failing. When there was no one around to judge him, he didn’t feel bad for failing. He had no one to blame but his own clumsiness on the ice. Maybe that was why he loved sliding on the lake so much, because he sucked at it, so he had an ambition to fulfil. He started with a half pirouette, after he could that he took it to the next level by a full pirouette. To be fair, he knew the pirouettes were sloppy and bad, but he was enjoying himself so much. After about half an hour of falling, sliding and giggling, he lied down on his back and stared at the sky. It wasn’t very cloudy so the sun shone right onto his face into his eyes, but also highlighting his freckles. He closed his eyes so he could let his imagination run free of what would happen if not only the lake was frozen but if it also had snowed. He obviously heard of snow before and he saw it in books, films and other media but he never could touch it or feel to know what it is like. He knew that it was cold and that your hands would get wet if you held it for too long but somehow understanding the feeling is very different from having the feeling. Before he even realised the boy had fallen asleep on the ice. He wasn’t even tired, but the nice feeling of having a warm sun on his face while feeling the cold air made him dreamy.   
He woke up with the sun not shining on his face anymore. It had grown a lot colder and he was quietly trembling from the cold. With slight concern he opened his eyes and indeed the sun was already dawning into the horizon again. “I’ve been asleep for that long?” He mumbled to himself as he got up and slowly slid off the ice, not feeling in the mood for falling anymore. “I have to get home before aunt Mito gets mad.” He thought, imagining her nagging over worrying her. It used to be worse when he was younger, because she realised as he grew up that he could take great care of himself in the outside world, but still. The climb over the hill back felt way heavier and tiring that it was on the way to the lake. His limbs were giving up on him as he also had less motivation to get there. In the end it took him almost thirty minutes to get back, in comparison to the five minutes it took to get to the lake.   
He nervously knocked onto the door of the house and could quickly hear Mito running to the front door. “Where the hell have you been? Do you know how late it is?” She was worried and quickly pulled him inside, away from the cold. Gon was still softy trembling so she immediately got him his favourite hoodie and some sweatpants to help him warm up. “I know I’m sorry, I fell asleep on the ice.” He explained after changing and grabbed a tea cup from the cabinet. “On the ice? The ice could've broken and then you would have sunk through it!” Mito was both concerned but also on edge, as her body language was tense and her movements stiff. “But it was fine, the ice was thick enough!” Gon tried to defend himself, knowing full well that Mito wasn’t the person to give in. “Well I’m glad you’re okay but don’t be so risky next time.” She cut off the conversation quickly, giving a disappointed tone to Gon that would hurt more than if she would have given a whole lecture. 

The water was finally done boiling and Gon searched for the tea bags, but they were not in their usual spot. He started rumbling through the cabinets as he suddenly opened a drawer with letters in them. He took one of them out and gave it a closer look. On the envelope it stated “From: Mito Freecss. To: Ging Freecss.” Reading the name of his dad left him in thought for a moment, incapable to say anything for a few seconds. Thoughts flooded his head as he blankly stared at the paper for a moment. Once he could finally snap out of it he turned to Mito.   
“Aunt Mito, what are these?” Gon held up one of the letters to Mito, who immediately grasped it out of his hand. “None of your concern.” She said as she got to the drawer and grabbed the other nine letters as well. “Aunt Mito, why is Ging’s name on that?” He asked again, following her as she walked towards the trash can with the nine letters. Gon knew full well that she was going to destroy them, but he wouldn’t let her. If there was anything in there that could be a clue about where Ging is, he had to know.   
She had already placed her foot on the pedal to open the can and dropped the letters but Gon interrupted her by snatching the letters from her. “Gon, give it back.” She demanded, stretching out her arm and giving Gon a threatening look. “No, I want to know why Ging’s name is on there.” Gon was persistent and confident. “Gon, this is your last warning, give it back.” Mito said one last time.   
“Just tell me what it is!” He started talking louder and less composed, raising his voice to the woman who had many mixed emotions across her face. Anger, guilt, disappointment, stress, fear. All linked to that piece of paper that Gon was holding.   
Mito didn’t respond, she waited and stared at Gon for a second. He could tell her eyes looked empty, but it was also clear she was thinking deeply. Her head was hanging low, shifting her staring from Gon to the floor. A soft chuckle emerged followed by a suppressed sob.   
“They’re letters for Ging… but they never reached him so I received them back.”   
“Can I read them?” Gon held the letters close to his chest, anything that had to do with Ging he wanted to know. He wanted to know why Ging would leave him for his job. At this point he already met Kite, so he knew that Ging was a famous hunter, but he wanted to know more, he craved more. This felt like something more than curiosity, more like a necessity. That craving was disrupted by Mito.   
“Absolutely not.” Her tone was rude and blunt. Gon could tell he was testing her patience, not knowing how many questions it would take for her to lash out on him.   
“Why not?” Gon’s voice turned calm again, avoiding her eyes but putting up a sad face. It consisted of puffy eyes and biting his lip, barely blinking, shrugging and fiddling with his fingers.   
“Because… there are some things in this world that aren’t meant for you to know, alright? That sucks, I get that, but you have to accept it.” Normally these lectures were softer and kinder, but this time Mito spoke cold, trying to avoid mangling her emotions with it. It was obvious she wanted to stop this conversation as soon as possible, but with Gon pushing her so hard it was difficult.   
“But the letters are about me, right? Isn’t that enough to give me the right to know?” Gon was acting more mature and composed as he normally would during a discussion, as if he knew that this method would be more negotiable with Mito. Unfortunately, it was Mito who had the hard time containing her emotions.   
“Gon, please go.” She closed her eyes and stretched her arm out again, still demanding the letters.

His eyes widened out of surprise. It hurt that she didn’t want to talk this out with him. Wasn’t she supposed to be one who he could talk everything about with? His right leg started trembling heavy. “Are you telling me to leave?” He raised his eyebrow, stared at her closed eyes with his puppy eyes.   
“I’m telling you I need some time to talk about this with Abe.” She sighed deeply, forcing a smile to try and assure Gon a little. 

“Okay. I’ll… go. Here.” He blinked fast, trying to prevent the tears from blurring his view. With a bite of his lip, Gon gave her back the letters and walked away, towards the front door. Did she close her eyes because she couldn’t stand him? Was that it? Negative thoughts appeared as he saw Mito putting the letters in her pockets, wrinkling the papers by the pressure she put trying to fit them in. She probably noticed him going outside, but all of the sudden she wasn’t worried anymore. It was most likely that she had other things on her mind than his safety. That was painful, and Gon wasn’t sure if it was true, but in his heart it felt like it was. 

After shutting down the door he started running. It was cold, and his socks started getting dirty. He didn’t wear a jacket nor shoes, he just wanted to get out as fast as possible. The cold breeze ran along his skin as he ran towards the forest. He could feel his feet freezing and his hands turned red and pale. It didn’t help that the sun had dawned already either. The stars were concealed behind the overcast but you could still see a small glow of the moon peeking through. The moon was his guidance and he reached the edge within a few minutes.   
He climbed the first tree he could find and his frozen hands had struggles holding on to the cold branches. Once he was about two metres above the floor, he sat down on a big branch and leaned with his back against the trunk. Swinging his leg from side to side while plucking the leaves that were covered with a small ice layer is what helped Gon distract a little. Right now there was nothing else he wanted to get rid of the negative thoughts so he could think more clearly when he was ready.   
He focused on his breathing for a while and after a while he was just looking around calmly sitting on that tree. It was then when he saw a little bird landing on a smaller branch right next to the one he sat. It was a raven, but smaller than average. 

Raven’s are creatures that are often to symbolise negative events, but there were many other positive symbolisations a raven could have. It resembled light, guidance, wisdom and communication. It sat there and glanced at Gon, not scared of him. He just looked up to the bird and smiled. “Hey raven, could you lend me your wisdom? I’m kind of lost here.” Gon said, as if he was expecting the raven to answer. 

“Ehm, so… Lately I feel like aunt Mito is hiding things from me, especially about Ging. I know it’s a sensitive subject for her but I wish she’d understand more how I feel about it. Those letters for example, like I get that she might not exactly want me to read them, but she could have at least explained the contents roughly, not just leave me in the dark. She was so cold to me! It was so hard to understand her too… So, should I keep asking her things or should I just… shut up.” He said those last words with some anger, as if he was mad and blaming himself for Mito’s problems. 

“B-because, what if I am the cause of aunt Mito’s problems? Without me she wouldn’t have to take care of me at age fourteen. I mean, imagine, that would mean I had to take care of a baby in four years. It must have been hell for her, I ruined her teenage years simply by existing. Otherwise, I might have ruined Ging’s life as well, he was twenty and at the peak of his career and life. I was an interruption. He wanted to get rid off as fast as possible, and here I am, willing to know everything about him and wanting to talk with him. Is it all my fault?” Gon’s voice started breaking and he stuttered a little, trying to find the right words to tell to the small raven. His talking was fast, almost desperate, afraid that the raven would leave him behind before it would listen to what he had to say, just like Mito did just before. The raven just stared back at Gon, questionable eyes staring at Gon’s tearing ones. There was a moment of silence, as he was waiting for a word of comfort or advice. “No response?” He asked, hopefully, almost begging for an answer. He scoffed, “Of course not. As if you could understand anything I just said.” His emotions turned from sad to aggressive as he had a nasty tone that chased the bird away, taking off again and leaving Gon behind. He was right, in the end it was just him talking to himself. He ripped off another leaf from the tree and started taking it apart by ripping off pieces as small as possible. The movements were stiff and aggressive, and as soon as he finished the leaf he’d grab another one and tear it apart.

“In the end it will always just be me talking to myself. Nowhere to go and no one to talk to on this forsaken island. Aunt Mito always has to hide things from me and Abe would probably side with her and keep her mouth shut as well. Is it too much to ask to just have someone to share my thoughts with or talk about my feelings? It feels pretty lonely, or rather, it is lonely. Just look at me, I’m sitting in a tree in the middle of the night, ripping some leaves apart and talking to myself.” He rambled on while wiping away the tears and tearing the leaf apart. “Because that’s how it is living on this island.” He punched the tree trunk next to him with a fist. It hurt, but Gon sucked it up by biting his tongue.   
He looked up and saw through the trees to the moon, it was already almost at its highest point. Another cold breeze ran over him and a chill ran down his spine. “I-I should get back.” He climbed down the tree and walked back to his house. While rubbing his arms to give him some warmth he picked up the pace a little, though not yet running.   
Once arrived he sneaked through the front door and was about to go up stairs when he suddenly heard a familiar voice behind him. “I’m glad you’re back.” It said, he turned around to see Abe sitting at the table, as if she was waiting for his return. Gon smiled a little, “Yeah, me too.”. Then he ran up the stairs and quickly got to bed but couldn’t fall asleep immediately.

Only after lying down five minutes in bed he could hear the doorklink being pushed down behind him. He focused his hearing on identifying the footsteps and it were definitely Mito’s. Mito’s footsteps were light and rhythmic, as if she was a dancer. Gon however didn’t turn around, he didn’t feel like talking to her.  
She leaned against the door frame. “Hey, I know you’re awake, I just wanted to say sorry, but I do hope you understand.” With that she closed the door again and walked away.   
“No aunt Mito, I don’t, because you won’t tell me anything.” He whispered as he grabbed his pillow to hold it tight. She obviously didn’t hear it, and to him, that was a good thing.


	2. A twisted mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Around the same time as previous chapter, Killua has different things on his mind, but his mind is slowly breaking as he realised his life was only to get more twisted.

It was 2 am. There was a clear dark blue sky and many stars were shining bright. The half full moon created many shadows behind the buildings and the street lights were barely lit, flickering softly as if they almost ran out of electricity. In the middle of an alley, that was trashed by multiple garbage bags, was Killua who adjusted his hood to cover his face with its shadow more. Although he was wearing a black mask to cover the lower part of his face, he could never be too cautious. After all, this would be only his fifth mission. Since a few months ago Silva had decided that he was trained well enough to start the assassination missions.  
“Wait, are you for real?” The only ten year old child said surprised, standing in front of Silva who was sitting with a proud smile on his face. Next to Silva was Illumi fidgeting his black hair, that was just reaching his shoulders. Last year he made the decision to grow it out. Killua did think it suited him, but couldn’t imagine how it would be compatible with assassination missions. He thought that hair could get stuck somewhere or get in the way. Illumi must be that skilled then. Regardless of everything that Illumi did to Killua, there was some part that still looked up to him, and he didn’t know if that part was stupid or right.   
“Yes. Not the heavy missions, though, and Illumi will be stalking you as a safety precaution, but you won’t notice him.” Silva nodded and bit his thumb, slowly letting a few drops of blood flow down his skin. “Is it a promise that you’ll do your best?” He said, waiting for Killua to complete the deal.  
Killua did immediately bite his thumb open as well, but inside he was hesitant. Did he really want to kill other humans? But then what was all those years of painful training for? The torture, the poison, reaching the 199th floor, the tiring training, the fighting, the bruises, the broken bones, the pain... Besides, deep down Killua knew full well that he had no choice. His entire life was decided by those who were superior to him.   
With that thought he pressed his thumb against Silva’s bloody one. A blood seal. There was no going back now. No way in hell he could break a blood promise. If he did, he might end up like Alluka and Nanika, never being able to see the sunlight. Killua was always the one to complain about them being locked, begging Silva or Kikyo to leave at least Alluka out. Most of the time Alluka would then be defined as a monster as a valid enough reason for her to lead a miserable life. Therefore Killua had promised to himself that he would let Alluka escape one day, but right now he stood no chance against too many people in the household. He probably could even be taken out by some of the butlers, like Gotoh.   
In conclusion, that blood seal led him to his first few missions, this one being the fifth one. The assignment was fairly simple: “Assassinate every household member of this location. The estimate is fifteen people.”   
After some research Killua came to the conclusion that five of them were a family and the other ten were personnel like guards and butlers. It was a big villa and in some aspects it reminded him of his own home, except that Kukuroo mountain was way bigger.   
He was running through the alleys, following a short cut to the villa. He was wearing a full black outfit including some gloves and a face mask designed to fit exactly on his face so it wouldn’t be a disturbance. In the meantime he tried to sense Illumi, but it looked like he wasn’t even there. That is how good Illumi was, Killua could never notice if he was actually there or not. He quickly got rid of those thoughts and tried to focus on the mission at hand. There was no room for distractive thoughts right now. He jumped over the puddles that were created by the rain that occurred last night as he neared his destination.   
Leaning against a brick wall he peeked around the corner and there it was: A big house with a fence surrounding the entire premises and a gate that stood in front of the entrance of the house. There were some lights at the front door, that lit and revealed two guards at the front door. Normally Killua would make the choice to avoid them and pick a different entrance, but this time he had no choice. He had to kill them as well. A sneak attack was preferable, that meant climbing over the fence from the side and killing them fast enough before they could notice Killua standing in the light. If they would notice Killua beforehand then he would have to retreat to avoid their bullets attacking him. Killua was fast, but not fast enough yet to dodge a bullet.   
He closed eyes for a moment and gathered air by taking a good breather. As soon as his eyes shot open, he knew there was no going back. Trying to stay low, he started running around the fence, until he reached the side and was out of sight of the two guards. There he wrapped his hands tightly on the bars of the iron fence and used his arm strength to pull himself up. After pulling himself up to about three metres he threw his right leg over the fence first, then turned around so he sat on the edge, facing the soon to be place of delict. The grass below him looked muddy, so he figured his shoes would get muddy too and that would leave traces in the house. It looked like he had no other choice but to take them off. With a soft sigh he untied them and jumped off and landed as lightly as possible, minimizing the noise. His socks filled up with the moisture and it was an uncomfortable feeling, but it wasn’t something Killua could let himself get bothered with. He held the shoes with one hand, meaning that he would also only have one hand to fight with. He started to have doubts if this mission was actually possible. The whole situation just had too many disadvantages, causing him to doubt himself. Could he really do it?  
“No time for this, I have to keep moving.” He thought to himself as he crawled towards the front door to the point where he had a clear view of the guards and could run up to them easily. Both guards were looking around cautiously, not slipping up or leaving an opening for Killua to pull a sneak attack.   
There had to be a quick moment of distraction, an opportunity. He was thinking of throwing his shoes against the fence to attract their attention to the shoes or the noise it made hitting the fence, but if they were well trained they would first look at where it came from, in other words, right at Killua himself, the opposite of what he wants.   
There was not much time left to lose and Killua’s brain was just filled with failed ideas and bad experiments. He was slowly panicking and didn’t know what was the next right step. In his moment of heat the only thing he could think of was throwing the show on one of the guards.  
And so he did.  
He lifted his left shoe and threw it as hard as he could against one of the guards. The shoe hit their head and they actually collapsed from it. The other guard caught them, but immediately looked for where the shoe came from. He looked Killua in the eyes, but Killua was already way nearer than the guard thought he would be. With their hands holding their colleague they had no chance of reaching for their gun. Killua bent his knees before jumping as high as possible. He stretched out his leg and hit the conscious guard against their head. Their neck twisted to the side and with a loud crack Killua broke their neck and dropped on the floor, still holding the other guard.   
Killua himself landed on the floor again, still holding his right shoe with his hand. He killed the unconscious guard by turning their neck to the point it broke as well.   
He bent down to pick up the shoe he threw when next to him he could see the lights being turned on inside the house. The rest of the household must have heard the commotion he created outside. Killua took a small approaching run and used his shoulder to break through the doors. The doors fell out of its frame and hit the floor with a loud thump. Another light was turned on, this time it was the very hallway Killua was standing in front of right now. He slipped on his shoes again before entering the house, preventing any footprint. He stepped into the hallway and could hear two sets of footsteps running towards him. It sounded like one set stopped fairly quickly while the other one kept nearing him.  
It looked like a butler had turned on the lights and came to this hallway to see what all the fuss was about. It was a tall man holding a sword in his hand. The sword wasn’t polished, Killua could tell. If he must guess, the butler probably picked it off the wall as a form of defense. There were multiple weapons hanging on the hallway walls, presented as decorations more than actual defensive tools.   
Killua took a few steps backwards from the butler until he himself reached a frame that held a sword. “If the butler wanted a sword duel, he could get it.” Killua thought before using his elbow to break open the glass box that held the sword and grabbed it from its stand. It was long, thin and with a sharp edge. It was therefore also very fragile, one good hit and the sword could shatter into pieces of metal.  
Inside Killua was a bit worried about if there would be others to attack but then again he at least wanted a bit of fun.   
“En garde.” Killua spoke before dashing in, pointing the sword forward. The butler moved to the side to dodge it and swung their sword towards Killua’s neck in an attempt to immediately decapitate him.   
Killua blocked it by holding it diagonally above his neck, their swords clashing together. He pushed the butler’s sword up and quickly went for a next attack, aiming his chest. The butler made an attempt to block or dodge it but both failed, causing Killua to slide the sword into his chest. The butler dropped dead on the floor and their movements ended very sudden. It was as if Killua hit that right spot, exactly his heart, killing him quickly with no chance of survival. To his surprise the duel was then over quickly, and just like the previous attack it seemed like luck was in his favour or something similar.   
He decided to not be too thoughtful about it and retrieved the sword that was pierced through their chest. He remembered the second set of footsteps that stopped before Killua could see whose it were, but that meant that in the direction where the now dead butler came from was at least one other person.   
He ran towards that direction and found another butler, he quickly used the same sword he used to kill the previous one to decapitate the next one. He assassinated four so far, meaning about eleven were left, which was just an estimate, so it could be more, could be less. Before trying to find the remaining ones he checked if there were any clues left. No bloodstains of his own, no foot- or fingerprints, he got everything covered. With the bloody sword in his hand he started searching for the stairs.   
This was assuming there would be bedrooms up there, and that in those bedrooms the estimated five family members themselves would be sleeping there. On his way to finding the stairs he came across three other personnel, but he killed them without struggle. At this point he just wanted to finish the mission as fast as possible, because he believed he might have wasted important time during that sword fight. Of course, the fight didn’t last long, but an anxious feeling was eating on Killua.   
With eight left, he ran up the large white set of stairs, decorated with golden coloured ornaments. He pushed open the door that was on top of the stairs and entered a new hallway, on both sides of the walls were three doors, all having a name sign hanging on the door. So Killua was right, here were the bedrooms.   
“Julian, Alex, Leah, Robin, Sam and lastly, Mr. and Ms. They must be the parents.” Killua mumbled as he read the signs one by one. It would be easiest to go for the parents first, so the kids would lose their protection. Killua knew very well that they were probably all awake and hiding in their rooms, this way, he could just bust open the door without having to worry about being sneaky. He kicked open the door and it swung open till it hit the wall.   
The wife was holding a gun and didn’t hesitate twice to fire it. You could tell by the way she held it and how carefully aimed her shots were that she was trained. Killua was fast enough to dodge it, but only to some extent. The bullet pierced through his clothes and skin, hitting his arm. There was no time to waste as she aimed for a second shot. He threw a small cabinet that was within his reach at her. She tried to shoot the cabinet, but the bullet wouldn’t fire through it. She made an attempt to block it with her arms, but it was too heavy and it knocked her down. Crouched on the floor, Killua took his chance. He snapped her neck and suddenly heard a squealing noise somewhere else. It was an emotional noise, as if someone was crying out to her death. “That must be the husband then.” Killua thought as he followed the noise leading to the wardrobe. He opened it and was immediately met by another gunshot. It landed in the same arm, so his left arm was completely immobilized at this point. More blood started dripping down. He reached out for the gun the husband was holding and used his knee to kick him in the chest. The husband dropped the gun out of pain and Killua shot him twice, immediately ending his life.   
Killua had to rest and leaned against the wardrobe, holding his arm and puffing. He mumbled a few swear words as he saw his blood dripping all over the floor. Only one person would have to take a sample for DNA and he would be screwed. Deep inside he hoped Illumi would step in already, but then again, he didn’t want to give up now that he had come so far. He just didn’t expect the husband and wife being good shutters. His arm stung heavily as the two bloodstains grew bigger, eventually overlapping and forming into one.   
“I have to… keep going…” Killua got up again and looked inside the wardrobe. He took a long sleeved shirt from the shelf and ripped off the sleeves. He wrapped both his bullet wounds on his arm with those sleeves and tied them both in a knot. It was tight but it would apply enough pressure so that he wouldn't lose consciousness because of the blood loss.   
He picked up the husband’s and wife’s gun to finish the job quickly. One by one he went by every kid’s room and tried to find them. Most were hiding under their bed or in their closet, almost incapable of movement due to their fear. Scared to look them in the eyes, Killua closed his own as he fired one shot and turned around. He didn’t want to make sure if they were dead, it hurt too much. After five shots he reached the last room. At this point his head was ringing from the mental but also physical pain. This might have been his worst mission yet. He was trained to not get affected by the emotional toll of killing a kid but it still hurt so much. He hated the thought and he hated the feeling. Every pull of the trigger his heart stung a little and he felt another piece of sanity crumbling away.   
“Last room. C’mon.” He encouraged himself as he switched guns as the first one was empty. Knowing the husband’s fingerprints would be on it, he dropped it on the floor as major evidence against the parents.   
He opened the door with the sign saying Leah and quickly noticed it was a childrens room. Or more, a room of a baby. Killua immediately felt like throwing up. He did not want to kill a child this small, what could this child possibly have done to deserve death? He could hear a voice in the back of his head saying “Don’t let your emotions get the best of you.” And it was sounding an awful lot like Illumi’s voice.   
At that point he could hear the crying of a baby, coming from its crib. Scared, Killua walked up to the crib and indeed, there lay a small girl, not much older than two years old. “No…” Killua mumbled as he could feel his eyes getting puffy. He couldn’t do it, it was all too much. He could hear the ringing in his head getting a lot louder again, the walls were closing in and breathing seemed more difficult. The baby’s crying wasn’t helping either. He wanted to yell at her in hope she would shut up, but he couldn’t bring out much noise. He wanted to spend his last noises crying for help.  
“Illumi… I can’t do this. Get me out of here.” He dropped the gun and it echoed a little as it hit the floor. “Everything hurts too much… and I can’t kill a baby. It’s too much.” Killua dropped himself against the wall and squeezed his arm to minimize the pain from the two gunshots. There was no reply from Illumi, however. “Illumi I know you’re there I’m not going to continue this!” He had to reject this, this twisted mind game that was the Zoldyck way of living. He hated it so much.   
“I really expected more of you, Kil.” Illumi’s voice echoed through the room as if he was far away, but he was standing right next to Killua.   
“Thank god, let’s go, quickly.” Killua stared at Illumi, hopeful.   
“I’ll have to finish the mission first. We can’t just leave your half done work here.” Illumi said calmly as he picked up the gun Killua dropped from the floor and shot the baby twice. Killua closed his eyes out of fear yet Illumi did it like he didn’t know any better.   
Killua felt a weird feeling in his stomach, some weird aftertaste was coming into his mouth and before he realized it was already too late. He covered his mouth with his whole arm and tried to hold back most of the vomit that was coming up. “Ngh-” He exclaimed an odd noise as he got on his knees and leaned towards the floor.   
Illumi stood there, watching, no facial expression, just like always. “Kil, hurry up. We don’t have time for this.”   
That was the only thing he could say in a situation like this. Killua coughed a few more times and wiped his mouth to remove the remains that stuck. He tried to stand up but was barely capable. Everything hurt, his arm, his head, his stomach, his throat, his body. Next thing he knew he felt losing balance again and fainted. Everything went black. 

What happened after that was kept unknown from Killua, but he could definitely fill in the gaps. Illumi probably finished the mission and brought him back. After that he got his wounds treated and that brought him here. He woke up in a completely black room, the floor was cold and he just lied there. He recognised exactly where he was. “Isolation cell, huh?” Out of frustration he banged his fist on the floor, but got an immediate backlash from his arm. He forgot that that was the arm he got shot twice in. It was bandaged as of now but it still hurt as hell. “Argh!” He exclaimed as he bit his lip to prevent himself from screaming from the pain.   
“Illumi! I know you can hear me! Can we talk, please?” Killua knew that there was a camera with a mic hanging in one of the corners. He hadn’t found out where the door was yet, so he couldn’t figure out in this darkness which way to look at.   
“Kil, you failed your mission and gave up, this seems very much like a fitting punishment. That’s all.” Illumi spoke over the intercom connected to the camera and then left again.   
“Wait!” Killua tried, but it appeared that Illumi had already left completely, not even bothering to hear him out. The worst part of being stuck in an isolation cell was that there was complete darkness, so it messed a little with your mind, and that he had no clue when he would get out.   
He let himself drop on the cold metal floor and stared up, looking at the nothingness above him, the entire nothingness surrounding him. There was one nice thing about complete darkness, or at least, Killua thought it was. He could let his imagination run with his eyes wide open, and somehow that made it a lot more realistic.   
He imagined a starry night instead of a pitch black room. As if he was lying in a soft grass field, checking out the stars at night. A place where it was warm and comfortable, a place he could actually call home, not… this.   
With that he was quickly brought back to this darkness. “I really messed up badly, huh? Dammit, even after all this training I still failed. I’m a failure.” His stare got more empty and he started spacing out, drowning in his negative thoughts. “All this pain and struggle for me to still mess up? Will it end? Will all of this end? Or is it just some endless circle that is impossible to escape?” Killua must admit, talking out loud to himself did help sort out his thoughts a little bit. By pronouncing the sentences fully, they prevented another thought interrupting so all his thoughts were laid out in a neat row instead of overlapping and contradicting each other.  
Over the years he had already developed the habit of talking to himself but it was always heavily enhanced while being stuck in the isolation cell. He was probably put there to think about what he had been thought to not think too much about the victim to prevent emotional attachment.   
However, those thoughts barely occurred. All he could talk about how twisted this all was and how badly he wanted to get away. He had to create the perfect opportunity for this escapism but when would it happen. He wasn’t sure how long he could keep this up without breaking. After an hour of venting to himself he decided that he couldn’t make himself any more bad than he already felt. After all, he needed to get through he assumed at least five days of being stuck.   
“Let’s switch to happy thoughts, ehm… lists? What lists could I make? Top 100… favourite candy? Okay number one is definitely Choco Robos, I love those so much. Once I get out I’ll probably buy new ones, to cheer myself up. Because, that’s what I deserve, right? After all of this? Yeah, definitely. Number 2 is… I want to say fruit roll-ups, but sour mats are really good too… Ugh I can’t choose! I probably have to make a top 200 if I want to rank all my faves. I mean, I have all the time in the world... Heh, I hate it here. I wish someone would talk back, or at least listen to what I have to say. Not this… ignorance. It’s annoying and it makes me feel like I don’t matter anyways, but oh as soon as I mess up they’ll notice. It’s like I’m only seen when I fail. Not when I succeed, or do things right. It makes me feel like I can’t do anything right, when deep down I know I am very much talented, or at least, to some extent. So… just a single person, that will actually make me feel like my feelings are normal and understandable, even though I could say my case is… unusual, but, is that… is that too much to ask?”


End file.
